What about help
for my partner?

Men who batter often do not accept full responsibility for their violent behavior. Instead, they blame their partners, stress, alcohol/other drugs, anger, loss of control, an unhappy childhood, or someone or something else. But the fact is, lots of people are under stress, drink, use drugs, get angry, or were abused as children. Yet most of these people do not choose to use violence and coercion in their intimate relationships.

Battering is about an individual man’s decision to use violence and coercion as a way to control his partner. Batterers Can change. But it means giving up patterns of behavior, attitudes and beliefs that they’ve probably had for a long time. That kind of change doesn’t come quickly or easily. Even when batterers say they want to stop and they get help, it doesn’t guarantee that they will stop battering. So, even if Your partner gets help, it is important to continue to plan for your own safety.

What if he attends a batterers program?
Most batterers who are in Batterers Intervention Programs (BIPs) are there because the Court ordered them to be there. Some men go voluntarily because they want to change. But many men promise to go in order to convince their partners to stay with them or to take them back. Predictably, most of these men drop out of the program once they feel less worried about losing the relationship.

Although not available in all communities, BIPs are generally better sources of help for men who batter than mental health therapy or individual counseling. BIPs are educational groups that are designed to hold batterers accountable for both their physical violence and other forms of coercive behavior. These programs work exclusively with batterers because they understand that involving victims in their services is not only dangerous, but can interfere with the goal of men accepting full responsibility for their violence and coercion. Since not all BIPs operate in ways that make your safety a priority, ask your local domestic violence program for information about BIPs in your area.

While it may be a positive step for your partner to reach out for help from a BIP, it’s not a guarantee that he will choose to stop his violent behavior or that you will be safe. Men stop being violent and abusive only when they decide they want to and they keep working at it. Many men who are attending or have attended a program continue to be violent and controlling.

What about marriage counseling?
According to battered women who have been involved in marriage counseling, it not only doesn’t work, it often makes things worse. One explanation for this is that going to counseling together suggests that a woman shares some of the responsibility for her partner’s violence, a belief that many abusive men already have. So, couples counseling can help batterers to justify blaming their partners, and give them even more excuses for being violent. A batterer’s violence is his responsibility, no one else’s. It is unlikely that he will change unless he accepts full responsibility for his actions.

Another concern about couples counseling is that it is often unsafe for battered women to express their feelings and discuss the violence or the relationship in front of their partners. Many women report being threatened or assaulted after couples counseling sessions for things they said or did during the session.

Services that require victims to participate in joint sessions with their partners, including mediation programs and alcohol/other drug family treatment programs, increase victims’ risk of physical and emotional harm and are therefore not recommended for dealing with domestic violence.

What if he stops drinking or using drugs?
Even when men who batter stop drinking or using drugs, their violence most often continues. In fact, many battered women say that the violence got worse during substance abuse recovery. Alcohol and other drug abuse do not cause domestic violence, although batterers often use it as an excuse. Batterers who drink or use drugs have two separate problems— battering and substance abuse—that need to be dealt with separately.

Go back to table of contents
Go back to Safety Zone home page