Domestic Abuse is a pattern of controlling and coercive behavior which can involve physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological abuse. It affects people who are married, divorced, living together, dating, or in a gay or lesbian relationship, and people from all social, economic, racial, religious, and ethnic groups. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, but women are by far the most common victims.

How do I know if I am or have been abused?
Sometimes, women aren't sure if they are victims of domestic abuse. Maybe you aren't sure. Perhaps you haven't been seriously injured -maybe your partner hasn't hit you at all. Domestic abuse is about more than physical violence. If your partner does things that make you afraid and that isolate you from friends or family members, you may be a victim of abuse. The following check list can help you determine if you or someone you know is abused.

• constantly criticize you and your abilities as a wife or partner, mother or employee?
  
• behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
  
• threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or himself?
  
• prevent you from seeing family or friends?
  
• get suddenly angry or lose his temper?
  
• destroy personal property?
  
• deny you access to family resources like the car, bank accounts, credit cards, or control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
  
• intimidate or manipulate you or your children?
  
• hit, punch, slap, kick, shove or bite you?
  
• prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to?
  
• make you have sex that makes you uncomfortable?
  
• humiliate, put you down, or embarrass you in front of others?
  

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be a battered woman. You are not alone - millions of women are abused by their partners each year.

There is help available. Support from domestic violence programs, family and friends, the legal system, and social and medical services can help you find ways to be safer. If you have children, these sources of support can also help you better protect them.

To learn about the services in your area, look in the community services section of the phone book, contact the Department of Social Services, or call the statewide domestic violence hotline number listed on the back of this pamphlet. Programs offer all or some of the following:

• you are the victim of a felony.
• the abuser violated a condition of an order of protection, after it was legally "served".
• you are the victim of a family offense misdemeanor, unless you ask the officer not to arrest your abuser. You should know that the police still have the authority to arrest him, even if you ask them not to.

The police can also help you:

• get to a safe place away from the violence.
  
• get emergency medical care for injuries you may have.
  
• get free copies of the police report.
  
• get information on where the courts are in your area, and on how to file a criminal complaint or family court petition.
  
• find out where to go for more help.
  
• get any necessary personal belongings from your home, such as clothing, or medications.

It is important to try to tell the police all that you can about what happened and to let them know if it has happened before. It also helps to let them know if you are afraid and/or in pain, even if your injuries don't show.

The police will ask that you sign your statement of what happened, so it is important to make sure that the report says what actually happened. You don't have to sign the report if you don't want to, but it will help the court if you do.

A"family member" is someone you are married to, are divorced from, or have a child with. A "family member" is also someone related to you by blood or marriage (such as in-laws). If you are pregnant by your abuser, but aren't married to him and don't have other children with him, this doesn't count as “family” until the baby is born.

Anyone, regardless of their relationship to the abuser, can go to the criminal court for help, but it is up to the District Attorney to decide if there is enough evidence to take the case. The more you can tell the police and the court about what happened, the more likely the case will be prosecuted. In criminal court, the District Attorney's Office will help you. In family court, a lawyer may be provided to you depending on your income.

Either court can issue an order of protection. This is a court order that can tell your abuser to stop hurting or threatening you and can also tell him that he has to stay away from you. To get an order of protection, you will have to go to court and tell the judge what your abuser did and how it affected you. In family court, you will have to fill out a "petition" to see the judge. The court, probation staff, or in some communities the domestic violence program, will help you fill it out.

The criminal court can place your abuser on probation and order him to go to a batterers program, send him to jail, and/or order restitution: that is, require your abuser to cover financial costs and losses you might have suffered because of his behavior.

If you don't understand what the police or the courts are doing, if you feel that your concerns are not being heard, or if you just want more information, contact your local domestic violence program. They can help answer any questions you may have about your legal rights and how to get help from the police and the courts.

Questions Women Often Have About Batterers and Batterers Programs

• He says that I do things to make him angry. Am I to blame for his violence?
  No. Abusive men often blame other people or situations for their violence. Many say their partners provoke them. The truth is that no one can cause another person to be violent. His violence is never justified. How he behaves is his choice and his responsibility. In fact, you can probably think of times where other people made him angry and he chose not to respond to them with violence or abuse.

• What is a batterers program?
  Not all batterers programs are the same, but some of them include education about domestic violence, and what communities are doing to hold abusers accountable. Depending on the program, the education can include informing your partner that he alone is responsible for what he does, that abuse destroys families and that he can change if he chooses to.

• How would my partner get into a batterers program?
  Most batterers participate because the court ordered them to do so. Many men say that they would not have gone or stayed in the program if they had not been court ordered. Some men attend without a court order, and others go as a way to convince their partners not to leave or to take them back. Unless a batterer is truly committed to being accountable for his behavior and to stop being controlling, he is unlikely to change his behavior, with or without a batterers program.

• Will he stop abusing me if he attends a batterers program?
  Any man can stop being violent and abusive if he really wants to stop. Some batterers programs provide good information to participants. However, going to a batterers program does not guarantee that he will stop battering and does not guarantee that you will be safe. In fact, many men who are attending or have attended a batterers program continue to be violent and/or controlling.

  To best protect yourself and your children, it is recommended that you keep in contact with your local battered women's services/program, especially while he is attending the batterers intervention course. To find out what options and support services are available to you in your community and to learn more about batterers intervention programs, you can contact your local domestic violence program or shelter.

• Would marriage counseling be better? He won't go for help unless I go with him.
  No. Domestic violence advocates strongly advise battered women not to participate in couples counseling, family counseling, and mediation programs. It may not be safe to talk about your feelings in front of someone who could hurt you later and blame his behavior on what you say.

  Many battered women say that these kinds of counseling do not stop the violence and often increase their danger. Also, going to counseling together suggests that you share responsibility for his violence.

  You are never responsible for his violence. Even if your partner is not willing to change, support and assistance in figuring out what you want to do are available at your local domestic violence program. They can help you plan for your safety.

• My partner says he'll get help for his drinking.
  If he stops drinking, will he stop being violent?
  Don't count on it. Alcohol and other drug abuse do not cause domestic abuse, even though batterers often use substance abuse as an excuse for their violence.

  Batterers who drink or use drugs have two separate problems that need to be handled independently. Even if your partner stops using alcohol or other drugs, he is likely to continue to be abusive.